5 Keys To Becoming More Accepting Of Defeat

There are people who are not able to tolerate any minor setbacks or problems. When their expectations are not met, they feel bothered. When projects do not have a good result, they have no tolerance for defeat. This also happens when they experience painful or unpleasant feelings.

No one likes to feel frustrated or as if they have failed. But life is not perfect. We would all like it if everything went exactly as we planned, but the reality is different than that. There is a quote that says “Life is not how you want it to be, life is just life.” Yet, as true as this quote is, many people do not believe it.

We want everything right now, without having to wait. We want everything immediately. Moreover, what we expect to happen must happen in a pleasant or satisfying way, a way that suits our interests. That’s how we think it should be. Many people do this, and by thinking like that, they build their own representations of the world.

Life is not how you want it to be, life is just life

We’ve all heard things like “You must be happy” or “You should not feel sad” before . When using the word “should” or “should”, be careful. Why? Well, because nothing “should” be a certain way. Things are how they are, no matter how much we think they should be different. However, this can motivate for change or the opposite.

If you think the opposite of this, you will spend your time jumping from dissatisfaction to dissatisfaction, from frustration to frustration. Let us think, for example, about how our lives should be. Should our lives be perfect, pleasant, satisfying, or successful? No, just because of the simple reason they are not. We can try to get close to everything as much as possible, while still being tolerant of the things we do not want to achieve. Accept it as part of the game.

Our lives are about endless shades of gray; We rarely find black or white situations. And if so, why do we keep thinking the opposite?

“Must”: A dangerous enemy

What does must mean? According to the dictionary , it must be committed to doing something. For example, the sun must rise every day.

When we decide that something should be in a certain way, we impose something on ourselves. We say that things around us (people, animals, objects) must somehow fulfill a premise. Our premise, as if we were dictators of universal laws. But the truth is that as much as we try to hide our desires with this formula (opportunity-> commitment), things will still go their usual way (unless we actually try to change them).

Why? Because even if we say so, if the environment does not recognize the duty we set, it is of no use. It only contributes to our frustration and feeling small and miserable.

So be careful of those who say you have to “be a good person” or “you should not suffer because of this”. They only talk about their own expectations. You can be a good person to them sometimes, and other times you may not be. Sometimes you will suffer because of something, and other times you will not.

Believing in “must” is the origin of the lack of tolerance for defeat

Lack of tolerance means that people do not enjoy their lives. Let’s think of a child who gets angry because his parents did not buy them the candy they wanted. They cry, scream and get angry. They still do not know that not everything will go their way. And that’s why parents need to teach them to deal with their emotions.

As adults, we should have already learned to tolerate the disobedience of reality, the fact that it does not always bow to our desires, even if they are noble desires. In fact, the goodness or evil behind a wish does not increase the likelihood that it will be fulfilled.

There are people who have been brought up in such a way that “must” has conquered their lives. Other people have learned not to accept defeat or frustration through experiences that led them to believe that this was the way to success.

The great psychologist Albert Ellis wrote: “While less troubled people firmly desire it will and will be angry if their desires are not fulfilled, more troubled people will demand, insist or dogmatically command that their desires be fulfilled and become incredibly anxious, depressed or hostile. when it does not happen. ”

There is nothing wrong with getting angry if something does not go your way. What is not healthy is to demand, insist and not accept it.

The beliefs of those who do not have tolerance for defeat

People who are intolerant of defeat have learned to think and behave in a certain way. They have a set of beliefs that presuppose their way of seeing the world and interpreting reality. These beliefs are:

• Life must be simple and comfortable.
• They mix a desire with a necessity.
• They must get everything they want, and to get it they will make demands, command or insist.
• Any problems, delays or defeats are too terrible to accept.

5 keys to being more accepting of defeat

Even if we were educated in “must” and “should”, or if we have similar views to those mentioned above, there are some steps we can take to be more accepting of defeat.

Identify your irrational beliefs

When you feel frustrated, try to analyze what you are telling yourself. What thoughts have you had? Pay attention to them and write them down.

You may find that in your inner dialogue there are words like “should”, “always”, “never”, “I can not stand this” etc. These are the roots of your suffering.

Change your irrational beliefs

Once you have identified what you are telling yourself and have realized that it does not help you, it is time to talk to yourself in a different way and change your mindset. It’s a process that requires a lot of trial and error, but it’s worth it.

To start, use words like “I would like to”, “It’s uncomfortable, but I can persevere”, “Sometimes”, etc. It’s about replacing your irrational beliefs with more adaptable ones.

Confront the defeat you can not tolerate

Exposing yourself to frustrating situations can be a good strategy. Make a list of those situations. Write down how they affect you.

Once you have identified them, commit to confronting them. To do so , make these situations happen and do nothing to avoid the unrest they bring. Over time, your tolerance increases and you will feel better.

If possible, take action so that it does not happen again

Try to look for solutions so that difficult situations do not frustrate you. For example, stop looking at the clock if the person you were meeting does not arrive on time. You can do something productive instead. Finally, change your focus point to reduce the feeling of frustration and failure.

Learn to separate desires from needs

One thing is to need a larger house, for example, and another thing is to want it or have certain preferences. When you need something and do not get it, you start to get worried.

If you know you just want something, you may feel uneasy at first, but the frustration will not be so hard to overcome.

In fact, we need very few things in life. Separating what we need from what we want is fundamental to avoiding feeling like a failure.

In life it is very difficult to avoid difficulties or defeats. We will all fail at least once in our lives. It’s a part of life, and it’s completely normal. Therefore , we must learn to deal with our frustration and allow ourselves to fail. In this way we get a more reality-oriented life, and we will feel better.