A Simple Exercise To Stop Feeling Ashamed, Suggested By Albert Ellis
Shame is a feeling that is activated every time we think we have broken a social norm. It fulfills a powerful function of social regulation. For millions of years, it has played a role in group acceptance, and as a result, our survival. Feeling ashamed is still a part of our society, but sometimes it manifests itself in inappropriate situations.
There are situations that we can call risky because we know that it is very likely that we will be embarrassed. Will we be rejected by the social group? Probably not, but we think so. We also label this unlikely event as terrible. Since we believe in advance that we will be rejected, we activate the shame. Then shame triggers actions that are intended to protect us from possible rejection.
There are two ways to stop feeling dysfunctional shame: one is to convince ourselves through internal dialogue that we have no evidence that our environment will not approve of us. Even if that were the case, we do not need the whole world to accept us either.
The other way is to risk embarrassment and do it voluntarily. This is what cognitive psychologist, Albert Ellis, designed in a series of exercises aimed at this topic. The end goal? Unconditional self-acceptance.
An exercise to stop feeling ashamed of Albert Ellis
What Albert Ellis meant by these exercises is that the person doing them should see that their value is immutable. No matter how we are, no matter how we act, our value will always remain the same. Thinking this way allows us to live much more freely. We live by what we need and believe, not depending on whether our environment accepts or does not accept us.
If we value ourselves – and also others – based on the fact that we have an existence, it will be very difficult for us to deprive ourselves of being ourselves. In this way, we will not have such a great need for social approval, which will make us more authentic people.
In general, we have been taught to feel ashamed every time we do something that society has labeled reprehensible. When we experience this shame, we are in fact telling ourselves that we are reprehensible beings, that we will never know how to act otherwise, that no one will love us, and an infinite number of irrational and bitter inner sentences that only oppress us. down.
To prevent this from happening, Ellis suggests that we think of something that in the context of our culture may seem ridiculous in a way that does not exactly help to improve our image. Have you found it already? Once you have thought about it, and it is possible to put it into practice, you must act and do it without thinking twice.
The goal is to expose ourselves to shame and criticism, glances and insults from others. What are we going to achieve with this exposure? It is to understand that nothing terrible will happen, simple and straightforward.
The worst that can happen is that we are rejected by others. But let’s think carefully. Has rejection ever killed someone? What does it mean if some people do not accept me as I am? Whose problem is it, mine or theirs?
An exercise Albert Ellis gives as an example is to walk a banana down the street as if it were our pet. Talk to it, pat it, pull it after us in a ribbon.
Another exercise is to stop someone on the street and tell them that you have just been released from a closed ward and you want to know what year it is. You can also choose to sing your favorite song on the street or dress up in strange clothes. Whatever you choose, there must be something that really activates your shame. The idea is that you should learn to tolerate shame and to put what is happening in perspective.
You can surprise yourself…
You probably think, “I would never do this, people would call me crazy!” And you may be right, but the surprising thing is that not many people want to do that. We create non-existent disasters, the more we think about something.
In other words, we begin to believe that everyone will reject us, we will never get their approval, it’s going to be awful, being rejected means we are not worth anything, etc. But when we perform Albert Ellis’ exercise, we realize finally, all these errors of thought – generalization, dramatization, selective attention – lead us to unrealistic conclusions.
It is true that some people will look at us negatively and perhaps insult us, but if we really look at them, we will probably see dissatisfaction and sadness in their faces. That is, they already have problems in their lives. It has nothing to do with you. While other people – most of them – will laugh with us. Some will even join our little show and not judge us harshly. We can even make new friends.
Let us not forget that they are after all just human beings too. They also rotate it and also fool around from time to time. They make mistakes, they fix them, they feel emotions, etc. If they judge you, it will only be their problem, never yours. As long as you do not hurt anyone, you are free to act as you wish.
Can you think of a good exercise to attack your shame? Do you dare?
