Cognitive Dissonance In Emotionally Dependent Relationships

In this article we will talk about Leon Festinger’s famous theory of cognitive dissonance. In this particular article, we will study the theory in the context of emotionally dependent relationships. We decided to do it this way because of all the damage that happens when we do not address the problem of cognitive dissonance properly.

Cognitive dissonance is a classic concept in psychology. It was first used by psychologist Leon Fastinger in 1957. It refers to the fact that people generally try to maintain an inner balance between their thoughts, values ​​and behavior.

When this balance is threatened, the person feels very uncomfortable and tries to restore balance. Cognitive dissonance is a very common psychological consequence. The truth is that we have all experienced it on a greater or lesser level. Today we will take a closer look at the effect cognitive dissonance has on emotional dependence.

Strategies to fool ourselves

We are usually not aware of this dissonance. When we first discover it, we often have a number of different strategies for confronting it, even when it takes place on an unconscious level. We trivialize our behavior (“it means nothing” or “we are all going to die of something”) or we commit self-deception (“I’m sure things will change”).

On other occasions, we may change our own mind or try to get others to change theirs. We use techniques to avoid comparison with other people. For example: “Yes, it is true that he died of cancer because he smoked, but he had a history of cancer in the family and I do not.”

Cognitive dissonance in relationships characterized by emotional dependence is a common theme. When someone is in a toxic relationship, they usually know deep down that they should get out of it. Yet there is always something stopping them.

The fear of loneliness and the experience of losing someone goes hand in hand with the daily discomfort one experiences in a destructive relationship.

When “I have to” meets “I need”

The cognitive dissonance in a relationship characterized by emotional dependence occurs when the person begins to feel that every day he or she spends with his or her partner is like a prison stay. This can occur when the boyfriend humiliates or freezes him or her out. Other triggers are aggression, infidelity or a quarrelsome attitude. The result here is that the addict’s self-esteem is increasingly affected by the boyfriend’s behavior.

In cases where the emotionally dependent person has a moment of clarity, they see things as they really are. They become aware of their own suffering. These are overwhelming moments where they realize they need to end the relationship as it is too painful.

Unfortunately, emotional dependence means that the fear of being rejected or abandoned is even stronger than the pain of a destructive relationship. Therefore, these moments of clarity do not have any lasting effect either.

When you find refuge in a false security

Instead of making the only logical and ending relationship, the person often takes refuge in the false comfort of “needing” the other person to avoid being alone. Therefore, everything continues as before without any changes.

The addicted person remains in the toxic relationship, which leads to a very uncomfortable cognitive dissonance. Even if you know you need to end the relationship, you will be terrified at the thought of a close breakup.

The cognitive dissonance becomes even more unpleasant when those around you clearly see what is going on and point out that you should end the relationship. They have the best intentions and want to help you. They say things like “Do not you see that he is unfaithful?”, “You should not find yourself being shouted at that way” and “Get out before it’s too late.”

This necessarily creates a greater internal conflict and the addicted person can quickly have a conflict-filled relationship with these people, or simply cut them out of their life to avoid an even greater dissonance. Cognitive dissonance worsens when people, and especially people who are important to us, are in conflict with our behavior.

Apologies and self-deception

Within the framework of toxic conditions, excuses and self-deception are very common. They often come to the surface in an attempt to reduce the discomfort that results from cognitive dissonance. In this way, people end up thinking that the things they have created within themselves are actually real in an attempt to create a certain meaning in the situation.

Cognitive dissonance in emotionally dependent relationships gives us the opportunity to discover self-deception. The best indications are your own feelings. When you are in a harmful relationship and your behavior is not adapted to this fact, you feel discomfort.

This can lead to depression and all that it can entail: insomnia, lack of appetite and apathy…

If we really feel uncomfortable or upset, perhaps we should review our inner dialogue. If we do, we may become more aware of the things we tell ourselves to convince ourselves that we can continue in the same way.

Think of the breakup

Another way we deceive ourselves is that when we think of a potential rupture, it is as if we are facing an abyss. We are filled with an intense fear of the uncertainty that lies ahead in the event of a breach.

This often convinces us that we need our partner. Not so much for love, but for the fear of being alone. We simply do not trust ourselves, our abilities, resources or potential.

Going into therapy is crucial if we want to uncover all the tricks we use on ourselves. Tricks we use to achieve a secure but undesirable future.

A psychologist can help us reduce this dissonance by using methods that we will not be harmed by. We need to start taking the steps that will lead us to a situation where we confront reality and take action.