The Girl With The Bracelet On Her Wrists

How do I start telling this story, my story? How do I show you that I had everything but lost it without knowing how? How do I understand that what happened is not my fault, that it has been a question of all or nothing, to want to be loved and avoid the emptiness that I feel every day? Because yes, I had everything, but one thing called borderline personality disorder has caused me to lose everything little by little until I became the little girl with bracelets on my wrists.

Maybe you do not understand, like most people. It’s very difficult to put yourself in the shoes of someone who does not behave, feel or think like most people, but I’ll tell you a secret. Just because we do not think or act like you does not mean that we do not have emotions.

Now I ask you to listen to me and try to put yourself in my shoes. I want to tell you my story, even though I do not know when it started or ended. I want you to know how it feels when you have a mental problem and no one understands you  and you feel lonely and rejected.

The story of the girl with bracelets on her wrists

Like I said, I do not know exactly when it all started. It could have been when I moved to another city to start university. I had never been alone in a new place. I had always lived in the same place with the same people. I was worried that I would not fit in because the thought of being alone scared me.

That’s why I wanted to be a cool girl at university from the beginning. This meant being thin and always being perfect, or so I thought. I started vomiting when I thought I was eating too much. I skipped meals or tried not to eat in front of people. I also drank too much, until I lost control because I thought people would have more respect for me this way, and I would be less shy.

And then I met him. The boy with the perfect smile. My dream boy. The basis of my whole existence was that he should love me as I loved him. I did not care that he had anyone else. I did not care that he did not like me. I loved him, and I would have done anything for him to love me too. I thought no one would ever love him the way I did.

I found out where he lived and started putting love letters in his mailbox. I thought we were the protagonists of a beautiful love story that I thought would come true. I tried to convince the whole world that his girlfriend was the opponent, and that they needed to strike up right away. I was so obsessed that he became my whole world. But that world did not exist, which led to the emptiness in me began to grow.

The bracelets that cover my shame

I lost control of my own emotions. Everything seemed either black or white. I either loved or hated myself. I only focused on extreme realities and never saw any way in the middle. I turned into a hurricane of emotions, which either loved or hated with extreme intensity. But inside the hurricane was the eye of the storm, the eye that showed the emptiness in me.

The growing emptiness changed my perception of reality in such a way that I no longer felt anything. So I started cutting my wrists to try to feel something. And it was at that moment that I became the girl with bracelets on my wrists because the bracelets covered what I do not want to show.

But bracelets do not cure everything. They just hide what I do not want to show. They’re hiding the part of me I have no control over. The part that makes me laugh, because everyone thinks I’m crazy. But I just want to fit in and feel good. So I decided to ask for help.

I know there is a long, long way to go, but now there is hope thanks to the treatment I follow with my clinical psychologist and the medicine my psychiatrist prescribed. I’m starting to feel like my old self again. I have been brave and asked for help. That’s why I’m telling my story. If you feel the same way or know someone like me, do not laugh at them. They are people who feel lost and may even hide the pain and shame under some bracelets.