When To Be Yourself Means To Disappoint The Family

Sometimes being yourself means disappointing your family. At times, it is practically necessary to be free. To affirm ourselves as human beings, as individuals, to deserve our happiness and to be writers of our own independence. Asking questions about or breaking family expectations is a healthy step that renews us internally and externally, and at the same time forces our loved ones to make the difficult decision to accept us as we are, or let go of us.

It is not easy. During the first phase of the life cycle, there is a moment when a child wakes up and becomes fully aware of the subtle incongruence that exists in many families. For example, the child may notice that the parents give firm advice, but do not use it themselves. The child also feels uncomfortable with how the parents’ expectations that rest on them deviate so much from the expectations they freely create, assess and feel.

The expectations of the family are like little atoms crashing into each other. They create an invisible material that no one is aware of, but which is suffocating. They come from intergenerational strength and belief systems. They are unspoken and unwritten rules of conduct that are expressed orally and through tone and non-verbal language.

Without realizing it, we are shaped by a series of beliefs and attributes that we internalize in silence and with some difficulty. Until we realize that we do not fit into the puzzle, and we finally understand that our “functional” family may not be so functional. That is too many silences and depressed faces that avoid looking at each other. That’s when you decide to make a change, to find your own way and risk disappointing your loved ones.

The complexity of family ties

When Lucas came into the world, his mother was 41 and his father was 46 years old. For the parents, having one child was not an option. It was the result of a long and difficult journey. Before he was born, his mother had four miscarriages, and after him she had another. Although it was not his own fault, he ended up being the lone survivor if his family projected all sorts of expectations on him. He carried the weight of a whole collection of hopes, dreams and desires alone.

However, Lucas was never a good student. He was not sensitive or calm, and he was definitely not obedient. The worst part was that during all his defeats at school, he had to live with the ghosts of his invisible siblings. Even though they were never born, his parents always kept them close. “I’m sure one of them would be an engineer, like me” , “I’m sure one of them would be more stable, more responsible…”

In addition to his parents’ constant idealization of what could have been, Lucas also had to deal with another ill-considered message coming from aunts, uncles and grandparents. “Listen to your mother, give up music and find a proper job. Your parents have suffered so much for you, and it would not cost you anything to make them happy for once… ”

Now that he has finally reached an age where he can make his own decisions, Lucas decides to travel abroad to study music at a conservatory. He knows he will disappoint his family. He knows he’s going to cause pain, but he can not be part of this family paradigm filled with ghosts and impossible expectations. Lucas must be true to himself and be the author of his own future.

Being yourself means disappointing the family, but it becomes an avenue for enlightenment

Last year, the University of Utah conducted a very interesting study that explained which strategies would best help people who consider themselves the black sheep in their nuclear families. It will not surprise anyone that the situation (beyond the obvious symbolism of the term) is extremely complex. So complicated that most of our emotional problems stem from the breakdown of values, needs, and beliefs we have in our own family.

Knowing how to respond and deal effectively with this reality is important to our well-being. The three conclusions drawn from this study can serve as a guide for those going through family problems.

• We should think of ourselves as “resilient black sheep”, people who are able to overcome adversity to move on without forgetting everything we have experienced and learned.
• Finding help, support or guidance outside our family circle is important to be able to see things from a different perspective, to believe in ourselves and to have the courage to make decisions.
• Being confident with our family is also important. Expressing our needs, thoughts and desires highly does not have to be a threat if we do so with respect, maturity and conviction. If someone is disappointed, it will only be a quick and necessary way to get closer to the truth.

At the same time , it is best not to think of ourselves as “marginalized”. Despite the fact that many “black sheep” are not bothered (at least on the outside) by being the “disruptive” or “challenging” element of the nuclear family, they sometimes become a slave to the etiquette that others have given them. (and where they have also found some support.) In that context, the “black sheep” may disagree in principle with any family expectation or unwritten rule, even if they do not really feel that way.

Let us re-evaluate this preconceived value that has been instilled in us for so long, and understand that sometimes disappointing someone has no negative connotations. It is a necessary action to confirm our identities as independent beings with their own opinions.